So technically this is a re-post from something I've had on my myspace blog but I thought I would move it over (with some tweaking) for a more complete compilation of my raves and theories. Let's hope I get fewer haterish comments on it this time around.
Red Flags
So all of us have been in that situation where we are on the first date/interview with a new person and find ourselves picking apart our date's every comment, move, outfit, manners, etc. Sometimes we notice little signals that might indicate a bigger problem or incompatibility. Sometimes we head these warnings and other times (usually if the person is really good looking), we do not. Don't make the mistake of letting a poor match into your life. One or two red flags might be areas that could be improved upon and of course, there are always going to be things that we don't like about a person, but more than a few or one of the dreaded Blag Flags and the fault becomes your own for ignoring the big flashing sign that blinks "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here" to all who have eyes to see.
Red Flags - Major Warnings and What They are Really Flagging
1. He doesn't pay the check or asks you to pay half
-Let's take a realistic look at why men pay. Man and woman meet, man courts woman, man and woman get married, woman gets pregnant and can't work so man has to work and pay the bills. If the man is not willing to pay for a date after inviting you out, who is to say he is going to be generous when the woman is in the vulnerable and delicate position of pregnancy? How about staying home to care for young children? Ever heard of 7 months bed rest? It would suck and be dangerous to be stuck with a cheapskate. Feminists taking the opposite position better be ready to be broke. Do not overlook or make excuses for this red flag or you will be paying (literally) for it later.
2. You catch him looking at other women
This one is pretty obvious. Only the most quality of men are really going to avert their eyes even when you aren't around; however, all decent and well-mannered men know where their eyes should not go when they are out with a girl they are actually dating (even first dating). This is first and foremost a matter of respect and a guy that does not respect you in this most obvious way will not respect you in others. He is flagging some interior mental dispositions. Roaming eyes are telling you that he is still on the look-out for something better or that he may be more interested in the novelty of a new prospect, or that he sees women first as a visual object for him to delight in and then as a person. So if you want a selfish guy who will trade you in like a used car, ignore the wandering eye flag.
3. He makes self-defeating comments aka Low Self-Esteem Flag
This one might seem more like a turn off than a red flag, but those prone to pity beware, low self esteem is more dangerous than first meets the eye. In reality, low self esteem can be either of two things, false humility or a real lack of personal development. False humility, or maybe more commonly understood as "fishing for compliments" is vanity in disguise. The guy who degrades himself is not only asking you to cater to him emotionally, he also greedily redirects the conversation back on himself. He wants to hear someone praise him, soothe him, but men are not meant to be coddled like babies and a catch is going to be honest about his weaknesses without giving you puppy eyes for extensive commentary. Again, the red flag is really selfishness.
The second type is a pusillanimous weakling. If the man has no confidence he will not stick up for himself. If he will not stick up for himself, he will not stick up for you. Every girl has been in a position where she needed a man to protect her or stand up for her. He will put his own fear ahead of your well-being and regardless, 'God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control' (2 Tim 1:7). This cowardliness is selfishness in disguise. You may think this behavior only affects him, alas, it will come to affect you as well.
4. He is negative or complains about trivial annoyances
My first reaction to this guy is to tell him to grow up, until I remember that this condition can be found in a man of any age. Forget maturity, again, the red flag here is selfishness. This person sees only how the world is affecting them, how they feel, what bothers them. He is selfish 'par excellence' because he continually spits his verbal poison onto everyone around him without regard to how his complaining really gives people something to complain about. This also reveals that he is an overly sensitive person that cannot let small things go, which is an insight into how he handles bigger issues. You can almost always tell how people handle bigger issues by observing the way they handle smaller matters which is exactly why and how the red flag system works.
5. Immoderation, excessive behaviors, gluttony
This includes any behavior: eating, sleeping, video games, watching tv, drinking too much, swearing, spending time with friends, leisure activities (beach, personal hobbies etc.). The behavior says "I need a lot of me time" or "I am very important to myself." Of course, hobbies are never a bad thing; nevertheless, evaluate the situation if you see that a person legitimately spends way too much time doing any activity and know that there may be a time when he has to choose between you and it. At first, the person might prefer you over the excessive behavior. In time, and once the honeymoon phase is over, the new release of Halo 3 may mean you'll be getting more devotion from myspace creepers than your beloved gamer-nerd bf.
6. The ABCs of the Subtly Shady Guy
a) usually doesn't pick up his phone when you call him, he returns all your calls...especially if you try to get a hold of him at night
b) has his phone on vibrate so that it doesn't ring in front you, and his phone will never display who is calling him or he won't leave it out in plain sight
c) screens a lot of his calls, never mentions who is calling him, calls people back when you are not around
d) hangs out with friends all the time and never invites you (guys nights galore)
e) is "really" busy (when your intuition knows that he could make time for you but won't)
f) can be spotted by his cell phone etiquette in general
g) gives very general and otherwise obscure answers when you ask him specifics about where he was, who he was with, or where he is going to be
h) has a lot of sketchy friends <-- birds of a feather flock together i) does any type of drugs (drugs breed sketchiness and is its own red flag anyway)
-Let's take a realistic look at why men pay. Man and woman meet, man courts woman, man and woman get married, woman gets pregnant and can't work so man has to work and pay the bills. If the man is not willing to pay for a date after inviting you out, who is to say he is going to be generous when the woman is in the vulnerable and delicate position of pregnancy? How about staying home to care for young children? Ever heard of 7 months bed rest? It would suck and be dangerous to be stuck with a cheapskate. Feminists taking the opposite position better be ready to be broke. Do not overlook or make excuses for this red flag or you will be paying (literally) for it later.
2. You catch him looking at other women
This one is pretty obvious. Only the most quality of men are really going to avert their eyes even when you aren't around; however, all decent and well-mannered men know where their eyes should not go when they are out with a girl they are actually dating (even first dating). This is first and foremost a matter of respect and a guy that does not respect you in this most obvious way will not respect you in others. He is flagging some interior mental dispositions. Roaming eyes are telling you that he is still on the look-out for something better or that he may be more interested in the novelty of a new prospect, or that he sees women first as a visual object for him to delight in and then as a person. So if you want a selfish guy who will trade you in like a used car, ignore the wandering eye flag.
3. He makes self-defeating comments aka Low Self-Esteem Flag
This one might seem more like a turn off than a red flag, but those prone to pity beware, low self esteem is more dangerous than first meets the eye. In reality, low self esteem can be either of two things, false humility or a real lack of personal development. False humility, or maybe more commonly understood as "fishing for compliments" is vanity in disguise. The guy who degrades himself is not only asking you to cater to him emotionally, he also greedily redirects the conversation back on himself. He wants to hear someone praise him, soothe him, but men are not meant to be coddled like babies and a catch is going to be honest about his weaknesses without giving you puppy eyes for extensive commentary. Again, the red flag is really selfishness.
The second type is a pusillanimous weakling. If the man has no confidence he will not stick up for himself. If he will not stick up for himself, he will not stick up for you. Every girl has been in a position where she needed a man to protect her or stand up for her. He will put his own fear ahead of your well-being and regardless, 'God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control' (2 Tim 1:7). This cowardliness is selfishness in disguise. You may think this behavior only affects him, alas, it will come to affect you as well.
4. He is negative or complains about trivial annoyances
My first reaction to this guy is to tell him to grow up, until I remember that this condition can be found in a man of any age. Forget maturity, again, the red flag here is selfishness. This person sees only how the world is affecting them, how they feel, what bothers them. He is selfish 'par excellence' because he continually spits his verbal poison onto everyone around him without regard to how his complaining really gives people something to complain about. This also reveals that he is an overly sensitive person that cannot let small things go, which is an insight into how he handles bigger issues. You can almost always tell how people handle bigger issues by observing the way they handle smaller matters which is exactly why and how the red flag system works.
5. Immoderation, excessive behaviors, gluttony
This includes any behavior: eating, sleeping, video games, watching tv, drinking too much, swearing, spending time with friends, leisure activities (beach, personal hobbies etc.). The behavior says "I need a lot of me time" or "I am very important to myself." Of course, hobbies are never a bad thing; nevertheless, evaluate the situation if you see that a person legitimately spends way too much time doing any activity and know that there may be a time when he has to choose between you and it. At first, the person might prefer you over the excessive behavior. In time, and once the honeymoon phase is over, the new release of Halo 3 may mean you'll be getting more devotion from myspace creepers than your beloved gamer-nerd bf.
6. The ABCs of the Subtly Shady Guy
a) usually doesn't pick up his phone when you call him, he returns all your calls...especially if you try to get a hold of him at night
b) has his phone on vibrate so that it doesn't ring in front you, and his phone will never display who is calling him or he won't leave it out in plain sight
c) screens a lot of his calls, never mentions who is calling him, calls people back when you are not around
d) hangs out with friends all the time and never invites you (guys nights galore)
e) is "really" busy (when your intuition knows that he could make time for you but won't)
f) can be spotted by his cell phone etiquette in general
g) gives very general and otherwise obscure answers when you ask him specifics about where he was, who he was with, or where he is going to be
h) has a lot of sketchy friends <-- birds of a feather flock together i) does any type of drugs (drugs breed sketchiness and is its own red flag anyway)
j) knows a lot of girls who are "just friends" but has all their numbers in his cell phone
k) has skank-ho girls anywhere in his myspace or facebook friend list
l) uses oodles of terms of endearment before it is really appropriate (baby, sweety, honey) probably because he doesn't want to get your name mixed up with his other girlfriends
m) wants to meet you everywhere when he could easily pick you up
n) never invites you to his house
o) doesn't want to hang out with you before 9pm
p) hangs out with you only on weekends or only on weekdays (look for weird patterns that this guy is not looking to incorporate you into his life)
q) ever asks to borrow money. woah! 60 minutes here we come!
r) never mentions his past, shrouded in mystery
s) you call and leave a message, he texts. You write on his wall or leave a public comment, he will only write you a private message. His behavior should mirror yours, not try to take it down a notch.
t) won't friend you on a social networking site like facebook or myspace (or has multiple accounts). Cover up alert! or adds you but limits how much information you can see or blocks his wall
u) vague occupation description, maybe he doesn't even tell you the name of the company he works for
v) refuses to meet your family or friends
w) is probably listed on some online dating site and active. Make sure to check through chemistry.com yahoosingles.com and whatever else to see if they are creepin for prospects on the internet
x) has any kind of sketchy material pop up when you use his computer: backgrounds, screen savers. Trick: Ask if you can check your email on his computer. Open his internet explorer. Go to Google and slowly type in one letter at a time. P, S, or G are all good letters to start with. His recent searches will pop up and you can see what kind of dude you are dealing with.
y) avoids all buzz words and conversations regarding commitment, boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage, babies, engagement, etc. Even talking about your friend's recent engagement or an upcoming wedding will make the Subtly Shady guy squirm in his chair and quickly change the subject
z) this one is harder to spot but Shady guy will keep things from escalating. He will keep things smooth, even and never-changing....subtly. There is no development, no emotional crescendo. It's fun and smiles and games. You're not walking towards the finish line, you are stuck on a treadmill.
Be aware. Be weary. Then get out your scissors and cut these guys for their wack attempts to slither into the lives of the desperate, the optimistic and the ignorant.
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