Anatomy of a Creeper
The creeper comes in many forms and in all shapes and sizes. You may spot him as the obvious type who seems to see you as a tasty drumstick and practically licks his lips when approaching you. He may be camouflaged well in decent attire and with a deceptive set of pearly whites. Either way, ugly or attractive, fumbling or smooth, graying or barely legal, I will teach you how to spot a creeper. Whether you entertain and encourage or run and scream, I will leave to your judgment my friend.
Not Quite Right (wtf!?)
While the creeper is mainly differentiated by his attitude rather than his appearance, there are a few trends I have come to find are woven throughout this special kind. If you are keen enough to detect them from afar you can reposition yourself and a good defense is always more proactive than an offense on this battleground. However, there are two kinds and they disguise themselves differently. Be on the look-out for both. Firstly, let us examine the Type-A “trying-too-hard” creeper.
The creeper is always trying too hard. His shirt is a little too shiny, his man-accessories too gaudy, his obnoxious T-shirt has to make up for his obvious lack of skill as a conversationalist and he is just one more splash of Cool Water away from setting off your gag-reflex. Sometimes his age is inappropriate for the venue forcing him to disguise himself in expensive designer jeans and a cowboy-style button down from Metropark to shave off a few years. Maybe you have seen a show on VH1 called the pick-up Artist where the “artist” of the show wears a beanie with goggles to the bar or gobs of guyliner. If he stands out too much from the crowd because of anything other than his stellar good looks, let your intuition guide you into a far-away booth and barricade yourself in with many large impassable chairs.
Then there are the Type-B creepies and they can be just a little harder to spot because they fly under the radar. They may come off as simply an unattractive space-filler, but do not be underestimate them! Unfortunately, their strength is in numbers because there are many more of this kind skulking in every bar in every continent. Type-B does not try at all. He neglects his appearance and arrives at a somewhat upscale venue with unkempt hair and wrinkly clothes. Once my friend and I ran into a particularly exemplary model of the Type-B at Mutt’s in Newport Beach. He worked for a local surf company so that was his excuse for a complete lack of outfit effort. His large curly fro could have been a perfect nesting ground for several species of nocturnal creatures and check this, the guy had easily not brushed his teeth in weeks. Talking to him was like having a dumpster unleashed in your face. So think about it, this kind has no respect for himself and he will have none for you. His lack of etiquette shines forth as a bright beacon from his inner creep. If a man has not figured out that decent grooming is part of normal acceptable human behavior by the time he is in his 20s, he will clearly not have developed enough social intelligence to approach you in any way which is less offensive than his noxious body odor. In sad conclusion to my tragic story, my friend gave her number to the Type-B “par excellence” as a business contact (big mistake) and he proceeded to text-stalk her for months on end, even after she told him she had a boyfriend and was completely uninterested. Take a hint girls: if he looks like his mom dressed him she probably did. Don’t get sucked into the pity trap of this unassuming species because like all the rest, he will creep on you.
The Creeper Keeps Creepin’ (persistence)
“Never give up” is his motto and sometimes, “no means yes.” The creeper keeps creepin. He comes at you from all angles, seems to surround you. You rebuff him with eye rolling and harsh remarks, the subtle body language he pretends not to understand, but he regroups and returns full-force or sometimes with reinforcements. You may think that excusing yourself to the bathroom or whipping out your phone to send some unnecessary text messages will dissuade him; it will not. This Houdini will be right around the corner everywhere you go all night, materializing out of nowhere to pull out some new shenanigans from his bag of tricks. He may be rich or poor, creepier usually if rich, but any man who does not have the decency to know when his attention is unwanted is a creeper. Rejection will, if anything, energize el creepo to come up with even more creative strategies to lock you into pathetic conversation with him, even sometimes resorting to rudeness and crassness if it will keep your attention focused on him. As confirmation, if you are able to shake him, you will see the cycle repeating on some other poor victim quickly. He will waste no time. The creeper keeps on creepin.
It’s All in the Eyes (greed)
The eyes are the window of the soul and a creeper can be most readily identified by his beady eyes. They betray his internal desperation because they stare wantonly at you. He is sizing you up, poring over every place your dress is pulled tight when he thinks you do not see him. Of course, you can feel his gaze like hot coals on your back. His gutter-clouded thoughts are quickly evinced when he derails pleasant prattle with a sudden burst of sexual innuendo. From the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks and his heart is full of guile and the twisted labyrinth from whence this rat-eyed specimen came.
The Hungry Hungry Hippo (lust)
Simply put the creeper makes you feel more like a meal than a woman. Visualize the foam coming from his mouth as he walks up to you and you will understand what I mean. This hunger blinds and renders him incapable of any kind of meaningful conversation. He is too distracted by the gnawing hunger of lust to remember that you are a person. His thoughts continually go forth to you and then return to himself and how you can best serve his purposes. This will also cause him to think in the short term. He will invite you to a shady after-party rather than wait to take you on a respectable date. The creeper has no self-control, thus waiting is not his strong suit. The Hungry Hippo syndrome will also fuel his other unattractive qualities like his over-eagerness and willingness to throw away obscene amounts of money on alcohol to lure in potential dishes.
This piece is not meant to understand the creeper not do I pretend to dole out strategies on how to deal with him. Those will have to come another day. The creeper should not be confused with “the drunk” or “the douche” as those subjects will be treated in future posts. Do you have a great story about a creeper or questions about them? Send your questions for a little Q and A session on my follow-up.
The creeper comes in many forms and in all shapes and sizes. You may spot him as the obvious type who seems to see you as a tasty drumstick and practically licks his lips when approaching you. He may be camouflaged well in decent attire and with a deceptive set of pearly whites. Either way, ugly or attractive, fumbling or smooth, graying or barely legal, I will teach you how to spot a creeper. Whether you entertain and encourage or run and scream, I will leave to your judgment my friend.
Not Quite Right (wtf!?)
While the creeper is mainly differentiated by his attitude rather than his appearance, there are a few trends I have come to find are woven throughout this special kind. If you are keen enough to detect them from afar you can reposition yourself and a good defense is always more proactive than an offense on this battleground. However, there are two kinds and they disguise themselves differently. Be on the look-out for both. Firstly, let us examine the Type-A “trying-too-hard” creeper.
The creeper is always trying too hard. His shirt is a little too shiny, his man-accessories too gaudy, his obnoxious T-shirt has to make up for his obvious lack of skill as a conversationalist and he is just one more splash of Cool Water away from setting off your gag-reflex. Sometimes his age is inappropriate for the venue forcing him to disguise himself in expensive designer jeans and a cowboy-style button down from Metropark to shave off a few years. Maybe you have seen a show on VH1 called the pick-up Artist where the “artist” of the show wears a beanie with goggles to the bar or gobs of guyliner. If he stands out too much from the crowd because of anything other than his stellar good looks, let your intuition guide you into a far-away booth and barricade yourself in with many large impassable chairs.
Then there are the Type-B creepies and they can be just a little harder to spot because they fly under the radar. They may come off as simply an unattractive space-filler, but do not be underestimate them! Unfortunately, their strength is in numbers because there are many more of this kind skulking in every bar in every continent. Type-B does not try at all. He neglects his appearance and arrives at a somewhat upscale venue with unkempt hair and wrinkly clothes. Once my friend and I ran into a particularly exemplary model of the Type-B at Mutt’s in Newport Beach. He worked for a local surf company so that was his excuse for a complete lack of outfit effort. His large curly fro could have been a perfect nesting ground for several species of nocturnal creatures and check this, the guy had easily not brushed his teeth in weeks. Talking to him was like having a dumpster unleashed in your face. So think about it, this kind has no respect for himself and he will have none for you. His lack of etiquette shines forth as a bright beacon from his inner creep. If a man has not figured out that decent grooming is part of normal acceptable human behavior by the time he is in his 20s, he will clearly not have developed enough social intelligence to approach you in any way which is less offensive than his noxious body odor. In sad conclusion to my tragic story, my friend gave her number to the Type-B “par excellence” as a business contact (big mistake) and he proceeded to text-stalk her for months on end, even after she told him she had a boyfriend and was completely uninterested. Take a hint girls: if he looks like his mom dressed him she probably did. Don’t get sucked into the pity trap of this unassuming species because like all the rest, he will creep on you.
The Creeper Keeps Creepin’ (persistence)
“Never give up” is his motto and sometimes, “no means yes.” The creeper keeps creepin. He comes at you from all angles, seems to surround you. You rebuff him with eye rolling and harsh remarks, the subtle body language he pretends not to understand, but he regroups and returns full-force or sometimes with reinforcements. You may think that excusing yourself to the bathroom or whipping out your phone to send some unnecessary text messages will dissuade him; it will not. This Houdini will be right around the corner everywhere you go all night, materializing out of nowhere to pull out some new shenanigans from his bag of tricks. He may be rich or poor, creepier usually if rich, but any man who does not have the decency to know when his attention is unwanted is a creeper. Rejection will, if anything, energize el creepo to come up with even more creative strategies to lock you into pathetic conversation with him, even sometimes resorting to rudeness and crassness if it will keep your attention focused on him. As confirmation, if you are able to shake him, you will see the cycle repeating on some other poor victim quickly. He will waste no time. The creeper keeps on creepin.
It’s All in the Eyes (greed)
The eyes are the window of the soul and a creeper can be most readily identified by his beady eyes. They betray his internal desperation because they stare wantonly at you. He is sizing you up, poring over every place your dress is pulled tight when he thinks you do not see him. Of course, you can feel his gaze like hot coals on your back. His gutter-clouded thoughts are quickly evinced when he derails pleasant prattle with a sudden burst of sexual innuendo. From the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks and his heart is full of guile and the twisted labyrinth from whence this rat-eyed specimen came.
The Hungry Hungry Hippo (lust)
Simply put the creeper makes you feel more like a meal than a woman. Visualize the foam coming from his mouth as he walks up to you and you will understand what I mean. This hunger blinds and renders him incapable of any kind of meaningful conversation. He is too distracted by the gnawing hunger of lust to remember that you are a person. His thoughts continually go forth to you and then return to himself and how you can best serve his purposes. This will also cause him to think in the short term. He will invite you to a shady after-party rather than wait to take you on a respectable date. The creeper has no self-control, thus waiting is not his strong suit. The Hungry Hippo syndrome will also fuel his other unattractive qualities like his over-eagerness and willingness to throw away obscene amounts of money on alcohol to lure in potential dishes.
This piece is not meant to understand the creeper not do I pretend to dole out strategies on how to deal with him. Those will have to come another day. The creeper should not be confused with “the drunk” or “the douche” as those subjects will be treated in future posts. Do you have a great story about a creeper or questions about them? Send your questions for a little Q and A session on my follow-up.
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